Mistakes Married Women / Men Make

Getting married is simple. It’s a no brainer. People do it all the time. But to stay in marriage? That’s where the real work starts. Everyday, people get married, take spectacular and glossy pictures at beautiful weddings with incredible cakes only to announce a divorce later. In the United States alone, about 50% of marriages end up hitting the rocks and as you are reading this, some are already throwing their wedding rings into the River Nile. Why? What are the marriage mistakes you should not make? How can you make sure your marriage does not only work, stay intact but also gives you the joy and happiness you’d imagined before saying ‘I do’? i have brought you this special marriage-themed piece. How about calling your better half and reading it together? Ready? Let’s roll!

1. DO NOT ASSUME

Okay, this is one thing both parties are guilty of. Many assume too much! He assume she knows. She assumes too. And that’s where the trouble starts. Fine, you’ve dated for a while and it seems like you’ve known yourselves for all of eternity. But wake up, you don’t! You are still discovering and rediscovering many things. Communicate with your partner. Let him know you are not enjoying the sex. Let her know you are not too comfortable with her shabbiness and gossip. But if you are getting married to Linda Ikeji, you need to love the gossip part. I do! Communicate. Talk. Discuss. Gist. Carefully and reasonably. Especially when it comes to money, sex, retirement and your religious beliefs (and maybe inlaws). Never assume. It can be dangerous. If you will be having a mood swing, talk.

2. TALK USING THE RIGHT VOICE TONE -OR KEEP QUIET

Remember the last time your dad scowled at you for sneaking to a high school party? The tone of his angry words, right? Very unpleasant. Human vocalization is a very tremendous aspect of communication but many couples seem to forget this and shout, hurl insults, abuses and criticisms at their partners. You see their eyes as red as the embers of Hell. Remember that it is not always what you say that matters but HOW you say it. When angry and you know the next words will not be nice, keep quiet. Always taste your words before you spit them out. Let your Lover see a smiling face when she thinks of you and not a frowning face with the voice of an armed robber. Okay, that makes 2.

3. NEGLECTING SEX

I cannot emphasize how dangerous this can be. One of the luxuries of marriage is having unfettered enjoyment and cruise on the intimate highway. (Coughs) Neglecting sex does not necessarily mean you are declining his offers. It can also mean you are not taking good care of yourself anymore. Now you look dirty, unwashed and smelling your armpit is suicide. How can there be any pre-intimacy like that? Take time to look good. Groom yourself biko. Especially if you are lady (I’m not saying guys should now start looking like bricklayers or mechanics, shoye (you understand)?). The body and looks you had at 21 will not be the same at 35 if you decide to look like a housegirl rather than a Mrs. Tidy yourself up. As they say in Nigeria, it is all about packaging.

4. FORGETTING TO CHERISH EACH OTHER

In this fast-paced world of jobs and stress, it’s quite easy to start losing that special touch you once had during the olomoge (when you were much younger) days. Particularly when the kids have come and you are now battling with the responsibilities of a parent. She now has stretch marks, jowls of fat, varicose veins and he is already greying with a potbelly. You both look pitiful. That is when you need to start working on it again. A good marriage does not sustain itself. It needs WORK -from both parties. Cherish yourselves, go out for dinners, tour the park, flirt, tease, laugh, play games, watch movies, serve food in bed, hold hands, listen to your partner, watch old pictures and spend the entire day together. Bring back the charm. Age is but a number.

5. NOT GETTING PREPARED FOR CHALLENGES

Marriage is not going to be all sweet. That is why it is not called the honeymoon. But it is not an eclipse either. A stage will come when you will just feel overwhelmed, disenchanted, caged or even frustrated with either your partner or the new experience. Did you know that even after years of marriage, Barack and Michelle Obama actually once considered divorce? Michelle was prepared to sign the divorce papers. Her mind was made up. She was tired. He was also disenchanted. But they managed to rekindle the love again and you and I know better now. What I’m saying is this: marriage is not always a bed of roses (even roses have thorns, shey?), be tough and ready your mind for all kinds of obstacles. But just know one thing: you will conquer. Just like millions across the globe.

6. NAG. NAG. AND WHAT? NAG.

Oh! He has left his smelly socks on the bed again and has refused to flush the toilet. She has not stopped accusing you of being too close to your secretary. We all nag. But if you want your marriage to last longer than the fireworks you used during the wedding night, minimize nagging. It is killing. Try your best to pass your complains in a very civilized and understandable way. If he or she fails to get it, register your displeasure while not losing your cool. Do not make him feel like he has committed more evil than Adolf Hitler and Abacha combined simply because he has dumped his dirty clothes in one corner of the bedroom -again.

7. TAKING YOUR PARTNER FOR GRANTED

Well, you are now married, right? She can’t leave you again and he is now your man forever, abi? You are wrong. She can leave you in the blink of an eye and he can marry someone else faster than you can ping or spell your name. It is very easy for couples to become relaxed (only if people can put just half of the efforts they put into their classy weddings into their marriages) and start taking one another for granted. Appreciate the little things. A marriage is a garden. If watered and tendered regularly, you enjoy the view and you will see the flowers bloom. Neglect it and pests and weeds take over. Say thank you even if what she bought for you was a toothbrush. Say thank you and mean it. Tell her she’s beautiful. Adjust her dress (or bra straps, comot there!) for her (forget the fact you’ve been married for 20 years) and tell him he looks good (even though he can look like a plumber atimes…lol!). Never take your partner for granted. Leave Twitter and chat with him. Forget Facebook for now and do not take anything else above your partner. Not even your friends. Or kids.

8. CRITICIZE AND COMPARE.

Good. He doesn’t make enough money. He doesn’t have a good job. There are better men (stop thinking of Paddy Adenuga, will you!) out there who are more ‘manly’ and ‘care’ for their families. Nice, She’s a lousy wife. Spoilt brat. Bad mother. Worst cook in the Universe. Romantically dead. She has poisoned the soup with too much iru (locust beans)and salt again. Ha! Whew! If you want to see your marriage die before your very eyes, just keep doing this everyday: criticizing and comparing. Tell him you made the worst mistake of your life marrying the bald-headed, good-for-nothing, penniless wrench. Tell her that you didn’t know what you were thinking when you walked her down the altar (or is aisle?). You are only digging the grave of your matrimonial home. Desist from bitter criticisms and never compare your spouse with anyone (not even ________fill in the gap yourself!). Correct with love. With affection. With smiles. No one is perfect -and that includes you and your spouse. Do not listen to reply instantly, listen to understand. Then give kind and reassuring replies.

9. KEEPING MALICE AND BRINGING UP DEAD ISSUES.

Allllllllright. She told you of her dirty past on the campus and how she was coaxed into having an abortion with her former lover, right? You don’t have to tongue lash her every now and then about that. The past is gone, let it remain there. That your lover told you something dark and shameful about his or her past reflects the amount of trust, respect, love and confidence reposed in you, do not betray it. And is it not senseless to you to keep malice with your wife for days? Spit it out, carefully. Let her know she hurt you and not kill her with your stoic silence, ignoring her well-cooked meals (who do you think you are punishing turning down that spicy nkwobi soup? Shior!) -and those wicked moustache-flavoured looks of yours behind the newspaper. It is painful. And yeah, the kids don’t like it too either.

10. PUBLIC DISPLAYS OF MADNESS (PDM)

Cruising to the market, you saw your husband, with a pretty damsel in his car. Next thing, you park on the wrong side of the road, did not even switch off the engine, left the keys dangling, re-tie your wrapper, remove the tapanpa (special colorful headgear used by Nigerian women) you took three hours to make and off flew your shoes! The next sound was the stinging slap you landed on her face (thank your stars if she’s not a female soldier with the Nigerian Army). You just concluded she’s been sleeping with your Prince Charming. Calm down Madam. Such acts will only make you lose value before the very person you are fighting for. Passersby will be thinking ‘abi were ni woman yii ni (has this woman gone crazy)? ‘If there is anything you find suspicious, discuss with him, he is your husband and you are his wife. Wife. Not mistress (be his mistress on the bed sha). You too, never insult her in public (or private) or do disgraceful things in the full glare of everyone (falling into gutters after getting stone drunk). Respect yourself and your marriage always (do not be the busybody of the adugbo (neighborhood)). The marital union is sacred. Do not stifle your matrimony to death with incurable insecurity and peppery jealousy.

11. WITHOLDING SEX OR MAKING A MESS OF IT

For what? Before you do that, just remember that it is now cheaper than pure water. You don’t have to punish yourselves over your imperfections. You can still have the intercourse and still frown your face abi….lmao! Do not use sex as a weapon of terror, tyranny and dictatorship in a marriage (you be Mobutu ni?), you will only end up burning yourself. Spoil yourselves with sex and if there is anything you will be very generous with, let it be those acrobatic displays in the middle of the night. Shhhhh! We are talking of married couples. Have a fantastic sex life, be adventurous. Read books, see your doctor, learn, use all tips and techniques to ensure you really reach heaven right here on earth. Make it real fun -and not on the bed ALL the time. And do not be selfish, you know what I mean. If you don’t, go and get married jooor.

12. ALWAYS RIGHT, EXTREMELY STUBBORN AND NEVER SAYS SORRY

If you have any or all of these satanic traits, your marriage stands a high risk of falling apart unless you are married to Mahatma Gandhi. Ok, or Nelson Mandela. You are not always right, accept your mistakes when you are wrong and agree for the sake of peace. Afterall, no one pays you for arguments. You only end up losing your voice and writing your name in his bad books. There is one thing my Partner and I practice: we never look at who is wrong but WHAT is wrong. You can also try that out instead of accusing each other and trading blames as if you are on the floor of the Nigerian Stock Exchange. Always respect individual opinions on various subjects instead of telling her to shut the hell up. I need to shut up now. Like she’s coming…

13 . Don’t use the “D” word (divorce, that is). Even in the heat of an argument, avoid threatening to pack your bags or head to the lawyer’s office. Besides the “D” word being downright hurtful, repeated warnings may result in a spouse calling the other’s bluff.

14 .Be each other’s number one. In other words, be wary of outsider influence, like a friend putting relationship-threatening ideas in your head or work or hobbies competing for your attention.

THANKS FOR YOUR TIME.

FORWARDED TO ME BY A NIGERIAN FRIEND
—
Rehema
Patriot in Kampala,East Africa:UMBS is a registered organization devoted to matters of interest to Muslims in Uganda.Muslims from other countries are welcome to join us too. Follow us on Twitter at: http://twitter.com/#!/UMBSFORUM. To donate to UMBS activities, click on: http://um-bs.com/donate/ or just deposit money on UMBS Bank A/C at Bank of Africa:07074320002 .

2012 the worst year for NRM government

President of Uganda traveling through Kampala. Did he notice the road?

Here are the principal highlights.

1. The mysterious death of a twenty four year old member of parliament has cast a thick shadow over the credibility of the government. Rightly or wrongly, the people of Uganda appear to have made up their mind thereby denting the image of Tutsi-led NRM government. The puzzle that MP Hussein Kyanjo was poisoned remains unsolved. The latest scare that the vice president had been poisoned and had to rush to hospital has left Ugandans wondering who is safe in Uganda and abroad. The allegation of poisoning Ugandans needs to be taken up in 2013.

2. Politically, NRM fared badly in 2012. A new government within NRM government was formed by Ssekikubo, Baryomunsi and Nawagaba. The fight for presidential succession by the first lady, prime minister and speaker of parliament raffled NRM feathers. To put a halt to it, the president announced a year after he had been fraudulently re-elected that he was seeking re-election in 2016. The potential for NRM implosion shouldn’t be underestimated. Meanwhile, Museveni is grooming his son Muhoozi to succeed him, witness rapid promotions including the one conferred on him by the late Gaddafi. To keep NRM together and his involvement as chairman of regional organizations, Museveni is spending less time on Uganda’s economic, social and environmental development.

3. At the ballot box level, NRM performed badly losing most of by-elections. This has demonstrated that given a level playing field underpinned by an independent electoral commission, standardized campaign finance and media space and truly free and fair elections, NRM can’t win at the presidential, parliamentary and local levels. However, to send NRM into retirement at the next elections opposition parties need to work together because singly they can’t defeat NRM. Moi, Kaunda, Smith (Southern Rhodesia) and Pinochet (Chile) lost political control because opposition parties came together into coalitions and trounced the ruling parties. UDU is forging ahead along these lines. It has prepared an alternative and credible National Recovery Plan and is currently engaged in civic education, diplomatic networking and working with other organization to expand membership. Those who have questions about where UDU stands on some issues including how it sees Africa’s role are urged to read the Plan accessible at http://www.udugandans.org.

4. At the economic level, NRM has lost the right direction particularly since the abandonment of structural adjustment program in 2009. The hurriedly drafted five year development plan in preparation for 2011 elections hasn’t been implemented as the prime minister reported not too long ago either for lack of will, resources or capacity or all three. Consequently, Uganda’s economic growth has plummeted from 10 percent realized in the mid-1990s to the current low level of 3 percent below the population growth rate of 3.5 percent, meaning that per capita income has declined and poverty has increased especially in a situation where income distribution is highly skewed in favor of those already rich. Economic growth even at the highest level in the 1990s failed to create jobs and reduce poverty. Consequently, youth unemployment including university graduates stands at over 80 percent. Unemployed people have no income and can’t meet basic needs of food, shelter and clothing. Hunger, urban slums and imported used clothes have become Uganda’s landmarks under NRM government. Poor and hungry people especially emerging from war produce more children than others social classes. Rapid immigration because of a liberal policy has added to rapid population growth now at 3.5 percent per annum. Thus, population policy should focus on limiting migrants into Uganda as well. The announcement by the prime minister that peasant land would be transferred to rich and large scale farmers has raised fundamental questions as to what NRM government is up to. The prime minister has kept silent since he made the announcement. He needs to come forward and explain where the idea came from and what he plans to do with peasants that constitute over 80 percent of Uganda’s population of some 35 million. Not least, Uganda is not a city state and can’t be developed like Singapore. NRM focus on Kampala city (now Greater Kampala) which generates over 70 percent of Gross National Income (GNI) based on capital intensive services isn’t suitable for Uganda with over 80 percent of the population in the countryside. Encouraging rural-urban migration will make matters worse. Agriculture and agro-based industries should underpin Uganda’s economy supplemented by services.

5. Corruption, sectarianism, cronyism and mismanagement of public funds appear to have gotten out of control in 2012. Ugandans are asking what happened to over $30 billion that Uganda has received in grants by development partners. They also want to know what happened to the revenue that was collected by selling public enterprises. The reappointment of some suspended ministers while investigations into corruption were still going on has raised questions as to who is in charge.

6. At the East African community level, Uganda has continued to register trade deficits raising questions about Uganda’s gains. That Uganda is beginning to lose interest is demonstrated by the government failure to attend the last Summit at the highest level. The president and minister of East African affairs couldn’t attend and sent a minister of state appointed in the recent reshuffle and therefore with little experience in community affairs to speak confidently in defense of Uganda interests. Museveni had hoped to use the community to push his Tutsi Empire dream by fast tracking the East African political federation ahead of economic integration. It appears that other members of the community have realized what Museveni is up to and are responding accordingly.

7. At the Great Lakes level, Uganda’s alleged support of M23 that invaded North Kivu and captured Goma town before it was asked to abandon the town has sent a clear message that Museveni hasn’t been a peacemaker all along. Earlier, a UN report implicated Uganda in the genocide of Hutu people in Eastern DRC.

8. At the United Nations level, the absence of the president and minister of foreign affairs has raised questions as to what is happening. The failure of NRM government to submit a report on Millennium Development Goals (MDGs) for the 2010 Summit confirmed that something had gone wrong and that Uganda was no longer a star performer to be emulated by other developing countries in the wake of abandoning structural adjustment program.

Fellow Ugandans, Uganda needs another government with civilian leadership to save Uganda. Museveni and his team of Tutsi and tutsified Ugandans largely with military background have failed to deliver in all areas of human endeavor. Look at the education, healthcare, urban housing, food and nutrition security and the environment: all systems aren’t working. The reemergence of diseases that had disappeared says it all. Uganda is now avoiding United Nations summits at the presidential and foreign affairs level, sending the vice president to fill the gap.

Not all is lost. There is still hope. Uganda has resources and qualified and experienced leaders who sadly are locked out by Uganda’s military dictatorship. Beginning in 2013, let us come together, arrest and reverse the current unhappy political economy trajectory and put Uganda back on the right track. The time to act is now.

Happy New Year

Eric Kashambuzi

Secretary General & Chief Administrator, UDU

Uganda health minister should resign

Hospital in Kampala

Reports that a pregnant woman lost her life at Mulago teaching and referral hospital while giving birth to a new life because she didn’t bribe health officials isn’t only a national disgrace but also a crime against humanity. This is a second report that a pregnant woman lost her life this time in the eastern province under similar circumstances. This is a scandal of immense proportions that should be corrected immediately.

In the year 2000 world leaders met in New York City and adopted a Millennium Declaration including Millennium Development Goals (MDGs). It was agreed, inter alia, to reduce by three-quarters between 1990 and 2015 maternal mortality ratio and reduce by two-thirds between 1990 and 2015, under-five mortality rate. It was also resolved that the implementation of MDGs should be reviewed every five years: in 2005 and 2010. Uganda was unable to produce a report in time for the 2010 UN General Assembly review.

Uganda has been a major recipient of vast sums of money for the health sector including funds released under HIPC or debt relief program. Yet Uganda’s healthcare has continued to be underfunded and invaded by corruption including bribes to health officials to deliver services. Consequently, health conditions in Uganda have continued to deteriorate to the extent that maternal and child mortality rates are rising, explaining in part why Uganda didn’t submit a report for review at the General Assembly in 2010. A nurse at Mulago hospital in the children wing lamented through the media not too long ago that she was trained to save lives and not to work in a hospice where sick people go to die as is happening in Mulago hospital. And because many women are undernourished, they are producing underweight children with permanent mental and physical disabilities if they survive thereby undermining Uganda’s future development prospects.

NRM came to power promising to end all forms of suffering and even created the ministry of gender to ensure that women no longer suffer needlessly. That the health sector is so bad and a pregnant woman lost her life because of negligence a few days earlier is perhaps the reason why the president didn’t cover health in his New Year message. Sadly, and no matter what NRM government and its friends at home and abroad say, Uganda has become a country of scandals: rampant corruption, poisoning citizens, children dropping out of school because they are hungry in a country that exports huge amounts of food, human trafficking and sacrifice and women dying needlessly including in child birth. No wonder the president never reports on outcomes but processes of NRM policies and future programs. This situation can’t be tolerated anymore.

UDU recommends that the health officials involved in the death of the pregnant woman should be held accountable and the minister of health should resign immediately. If the minister doesn’t do so voluntarily, the president who is the appointing authority should take action as a lesson to others that incompetence and/or neglect of duty will not be tolerated. Ugandans and donors that pump millions of money into the health sector should demand improvements in the sector without further delay.

ERIC KASHAMBUZI